Joke of the day keeps the doctor away

[KingKenny]

:cheers2:
I luv to get a good laugh and I subscribe to many humor news letters. I enjoy sharing the "best of the best" IMO. Feel free to add yours! :winky:

I'll start:

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." :blink:

[ÜberDoober]

Funny Puns:
* Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
* When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
* I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
* Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
* Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
* What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
* There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
* The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
* Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
* Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
* Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
* When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
* A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
* This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

[KingKenny]

:smilielol5: Can't get no respect huh? :rofl:

[KingKenny]

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

[ÜberDoober]

Kind of a relevent follow up:

How to give a pill to a cat

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat procedure.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on it's neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and get a new one from the bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little fart's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind thghtly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1.Wrap pill in bacon

2. Toss bacon in the air.

:rofl:

[KingKenny]

I think we get the same news email. Saw that one. Thought it might be too long for a post but .... I'll rethink that in the future.

Especially like the "Dog" version noting the differences between dogs and cats... hillarious analogies result from the comparisons. Kinda along the lines of "Men & Women"!

thx for sharing - luv it.:thumbup1:

[ÜberDoober]

"borrowed" from climbingaz at SWR

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light Brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he
sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a Computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young Woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car And
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat The cop
says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting A pullover
sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, Alone, in a car, at
night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The Young man says "I'm
22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her
age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[KingKenny]

Apr 25, 2009 10:12 PM - Honest Bumper Stickers from "Joke of the Day"

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. :thumbup1:
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

and of course the all-time bestest bumper sticker ever invented:

Keep honking. I'm reloading. :winky: